Whatever's cool with me...

Whatever's cool with me...

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The TRUTH about Ewoks!



Family of Ewoks

My buddy Dash had this posted over at his facebook page and had me rolling in laughter! It's just too good not to be reproduced again here at The Rebel Page. Damn....we had it wrong all along about them Ewoks!
"Everyone seems to hate the ewoks because they were thought to be these cute, teddy bear-ish like creatures. That was never the case. If you watch closely at the end of ROTJ, you can clearly see an ewok using a row of imperial helmets as kettle drums. Nobody ever questions what happened to the dead and or wounded imperial infantry on Endor.

The answer is simple- THE EWOKS ATE THEM!!!.

After all, turning them over a spit was their sole reason for capturing Han, Luke, and Chewbacca. If not for the intervention of C3-PO (and Luke's use of the force), the three wayward rebels would have been stewing in the greasy guts of a tribe of "teddy bears" by the end of act 2.

Leia's capture? Clearly she was going to be turned into some sort of sex slave or concubine of Chief Chirpa.

Mull these little tidbits over, Ewok Haters, the next time you call Endor's chief residents a bunch of spear chuckin' Care Bears!"
For more "in-yer'-face" blogging and geeky rants, head over to http://www.paperandplasticplease.blogspot.com.

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8 Comments:

Korndamned said...

Ewoks rule!

Stephen said...

Forget the Ewoks, the Jawas were always the ones that scared me! You just knew there was freaky-scary shit going on at night in those Sandcrawlers.

Dash MacBastard said...

LOL.
Wow, bud. I kinda thought that you were kidding when you asked me if you could re-post this.
Someday I'll have to run down for you my complete list of ewok theories.
Trust me, it doesn't end with eating imperial troops

Kin said...

Hi Rebel,

Star Wars figures is one of my favourite.

Very cute & nice little fellow.

Congratul....

Thanks,
Kin.

Anonymous said...

I was always uncomfortable by the teddy bear ewoks giving preferential treatment for Leia. I always thought a more realistic scene would have been Leia being captured despite giving Wicket food. Where was a lone ewok going to be going in an imperial troop infested planet. Even Leia sexyness should be discounted, in terms of teddy bear attractiveness.

In all likelihood there should have been other ewoks ready with some nets and traps to spring on Leia and to bring her back to the village bound hand and foot to a pole like they did with Han, luke and chewie.

Anonymous said...

There'd be complicated cultural signifiers as to why Ewoks would see some interlopers as allies/affines and others as enemies. The fact that Luke, Han et al fell into a trap laid for predators, and Han's aggressive response when confronted, would signify enmity. In contrast, Leia's feeding Wicket places her in the cycle of reciprocal gift-exchange (see Marcel Mauss). Notice also that the others are accepted into the tribe based on a further gift-offer (c3po's story).

It's also possible that they had a practice of capturing females and eating rival male warriors (presuming they were patrilocal, patriarchal and warlike), hence the different response to Leia.

Note also that being eaten is usually a sign of respect. Slain warriors are eaten to absorb their prowess, relatives are eaten to bring them back into the collective.

Also, we never find out what happens to corpses, or space debris for that matter, in ANY of the Star Wars films (except for a few major characters and the Jawas). If death stars have reactor cores, they're probably nuclear - surely Endor and Yavin would become system-wide Hiroshimas? Are battle sites turned into floating clouds of wreckage? Do downed cruisers crash into Coruscant? It's all part of the same reason Jedi vanish when they die, and people shot with lasers just fall down. Star Wars takes a stylised, almost aesthetic approach to war, downplaying death. This makes it child-suitable by US standards (no blood and gore, no scary fields of rotting corpses) and also helps make mass-killing by the good guys inoffensive to viewers. Note, however, that these issues DO get taken up in the "expanded universe" literature, among them: an asteroid field called the "Graveyard" where Alderaan used to be; a recycling droid which turns the remains of Greedo into bar snacks; starships crashing into inhabited planets and making them uninhabitable (Honoghr); wreckage-clouds of space debris (Dark Empire - Coruscant); a clone made from Luke's lost hand; a one-armed Wampa wandering round Hoth with a grudge against humans; and massive construction droids which reprocess cityscape.

Anonymous said...

@anon 5:09

Princess Leia was a totally different species then wicket. Also it was just very convenient that while they wore no clothes, they had a specially made dress ready for Leia? What would be their motive for making Leia change into that dress. As mentioned by anon 6:30 Leia should have been treated the same as Luke, Han, Chewbacca and R2d2.

Anonymous said...

I agree,

with Anons January 17, 2011 6:30 PM,
June 14, 2012 3:02 PM. Leia also blasted an imperial soldier and caused the death of the second one.
Which should have caused the Ewoks to at least be on guard.

The scene and the one with the dress should be reedited. A more likely scenario is after blasting the storm troopers. Leia is captured in a net by additional Ewoks after being disarmed and taken back to the village bound hand and foot to a pole similar to Like, Han, Chewbacca, R2d2. At the village Leia is brought about and placed near the others.

Wicket can be shown trying to plead for the release of Leia and the others but in the end C 3pio and his godlike powers should be the cause of Leias' release as it was of Like, Han, Chewbacca and R2D2.

The whole dress scene should be edited out. It doesn't make sense and points to potential bestiality implications.